Old 37 (2015)

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Director: Alan Smithee.
Writer: Joe Landes, Paul Travers
Starring: Kane Hodder, Bill Moseley, and some other people.. . USA. 1h 24m.

With a promising story line and two seasoned legendary veterans of horror Kane Hodder and Bill Moseley this film should have had a lot more clout but unfortunately to poor writing a terrible script and appalling acting it’s just doesn’t deliver the goods, I know I’m in the minority here but it seems to be one of these films which have youngen’s all hyped up about being a slasher and to be honest Jason, Freddy and Michael probably kill twice as many people while warming up.

Often advertised as a couple of hicks who intercept ambulance calls before the authorities conjures up pictures of exactly that, a couple of Hicks who intercept 911 calls and do as they will with help for victims but the story revolves around a teenage girl striving to be a popular teen and peer pressure!? Go figure.. It seems the original plot was instantly cast aside for some soppy teen romance drama fueled by peer pressure and the ambulance theme squashed by a torrid revenge story.

Don’t worry I’m a paramedic

It does start at rather promising with the prescribed story, a deformed looking hick listening in on the CB Radio hears about an accident, he rushes out and while leaving his kids in the vehicle he starts strangling the broken victims and licking their blood with the cute lil faces of the kids painted with disgust. Then immediately cuts to a yawnful teen drama and new metal music, kids striving Mustangs and the bog standard jock with a bitch a girlfriend, innocent victim girl who’s in with the wrong crowd and the generic nice guy, and proceeds to enforce their characters for the next 40 minutes so halfway through the movie the storyline actually gets going! YAY!

Paul and Joe have actually crafted a slasher duo Darryl and Jon Roy one deformed and therefore masked, which adds to their charm. The film is juiced up by their depraved natures and abusive backstories stories. Moseley is given the chance to drop a few slick lines, nothing on par with Otis Driftwood but even though the scenes are a tad cringe worthy they are the better moments by far and sadly there isn’t enough of them, a golden opportunity is missed here. Old 37 is striving to be a grime filled Slasher but along with Charlie’s Farm () it just isn’t worth that medal of honor.

This film will make you scared of dialing 911

There are a good few gory scenes hurled in for good measure but that’s just not enough to save this car crash of a movie the whole thing in my opinion would need to be rewritten not to gain a favour of young audiences but actually be a genuinely good horror film for fans there is something there under the surface but it does just doesn’t shine through enough to make this film palatable. It did cause some reminisces about the better times when slashers and horror were exactly that, rather than trying to illustrate teen pressures for boob jobs, yes the supposed heroine turns from geek to chic by undergoing surgery, although the scene is cut into a surgical torture scene for good measure, stylish but pointless. Hodder and Moseley have made much better films that didn’t need naked chicks skyping just because “movie”. It’s a monotonous effort that really does make this a slasher worth skipping as kills are traded for fluidity and detailing.

And you can trust me I’m a paramedic, not sure if that’s actually anything to do with the movie but everyone is saying it!

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Rating 3/10

R – Ambulance, Body Parts, Roadside
L – Emergency Services,
A – Using big names to sell a movie
5S – Bill Moseley, Kane Hodder
Post Discussion – to come

 

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