The Meg (2018)

Director: Jon Turteltaub.
Based on: Steve Alten
Starring. Jason Statham, a giant fish, some other people. USA. 1h 52m.

Opening mid disaster was probably a good idea for this film cos that’s what it turned into. I was so psyched for a new Jaws (1975), and it’s impossible for me to see this as anything else. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t expecting it to be similar in anyway but I was hoping for a new quality shark horror movie that wasn’t just another Sharknado (2013). But this lackluster adventure, is only just above par for a Sharknado movie for me and i was greatly disappointed on so many levels, but it did have some charm, what’s not to like about a cheesy thriller with a jumbo sized shark, suitable for 12 year olds with a theme tune of Hey Mickey in Filipino!?

Statham plays Jonah Taylor who just happens to be the best deep sea rescue diver, until this particular event where he fails miserable with a rescue attempt in the Philippines afterwards he claims that the ship was attacked by a mysterious giant creature and he seems to go on garden leave spending his days drunk and chillaxed. Meanwhile 5 years later an underwater team are exploring the bottom of the Mariana Trench. It turns out what we thought was the bottom is in fact just a “cloud” and there is an unexplored world below it. Taylors ex wife is part of the crew investigating and they are first attacked by giant squid, and kudos goes out to the effects here, I love tentacles and these looked impressive, but the giant squid is whipped away by an unknown monster.. but obviously we know what it is, but it takes forever to break this mystery. The team are attacked and need to be rescued Taylor is called, he doesn’t care, Statham rarely does in his films, but hearing his wife screaming “Taylor was right” the drive to save his beloved and to prove that he did in fact see a sea monster kick starts the movie.

Drawing on the worst elements of any deep sea adventure, this not so scary horror has a setting of an ultra modern underwater wonderland, a facility conjured up by rich yuppie Jack Morris (Rainn Wilson), who was more impressive as Fishboy in House of 1000 Corpses (2003).

So the team are rescued by the BEST deep sea rescuer ever, this is something that keeps getting bandied about, almost as repetitive as leading lady Suyin (Li Bingbing) just doing what the fuck she wants despite it being the dumbest thing ever, how the fuck did she live this long and manage to raise a child I dunno. But eventually they work out that they have released a Megalodon size shark but luckily one but now they have to destroy it before it eats everything.

The film is long as fuck, much like Jaws it has two distinct halves, the first hour is pretty much underwater until the Shake munches on that and the second hour sees a bit more action as he heads towards a popular beach and there’s much more boats, helicopters and sky involved.

As far as action films go, it does have all the usual suspects, fast boats, explosions, you see a bit of shark and a lot of teeth. Statham plays the generally don’t give a shit but really does anti hero, something we’ve seen so many times before it’s starting to get painful, but on the whole apart from one epic scene when the shark belly flops the boats, it’s all been seen before, there’s a mass killing opportunity which could have been a full on Piranha style event but as it’s a PG12 nothing really kicks off.  There’s just no real threat or there’s no real feeling of a threat throughout the film. You can see a more than happy ending written out from the beginning, there’s just no shocks or thrills. It certainly doesn’t do anything to build character, no one is really as memorable as Quint but then there are no sailors here, just science guys and a land rover action hero.

The Meg is Meh..

Rating 2/10

RJaws (1975), Sharknado (2013), The Abyss (1989)
L – Shark Flicks,
5s –  Jason Statham
Vs –  The Meg Vs Jaws

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