The Elf (2017)

Director: Justin Price
Starring: Natassia Halabi, Gabriel Miller, Lassiter Holmes. USA. 1h 30m

I’m sure this film was intended to scare but it’s a new form of mental torture that I wasn’t quite prepared for when I sat down to watch this.

The not so credible story is centred on Nick (Miller) and his bodacious botoxed girlfriend Victoria (Halabi), opening in an old antique/toyshop that Nick has inherited the couple take stock of the contents while out shopping for Christmas gifts. Nick breaks away while Victoria take a pointless and long winded phone call, meanwhile he discovered a chest with handmade toys, the room begins to fill up with fresh snow as he discovers a creepy Elf toy holding a knife, attached to it is a curse/spell after reading this out he noticed that there’s a list of name at the bottom and they correspond to his family, meh nothing strange about this.

Chucking all of the toys back in the trunk he leaves, heads home with his gal only to find the creepy elf doll on the shelf. They discuss the curse but soon forget it as their family are on the way for Christmas festivities, but the Elf has many other evil ideas as it sets about slaughtering the family and anyone who comes near the house, which leads to an impressive killing spree of some carol singers, which ends up being the highlight of the film, until the twist at the end swoops in to make sure you wake up for the finale.

Nothing about the film really feels all that Christmasy, there’s no iconic music, and it’s only randomly snowy for one or two scenes. The “acting” is incredibly slow and dry, it’s on par with a school play, and the cheap CGI effects of the elf make it look like a black and white character in a colour movie and he only has a limited number of movements.

It’s just a big hot mess with a continuously predictable storyline that starts to grind and continues to do so until the bitter end. The dialogue is delivered so messily, I can’t blame this all on Halabi who obviously struggled with her lip modifications at times but everyone was dropping the ball on their deliveries, in really stood out when a few people got it right.

It’s not even the kind of bad horror that you can laugh at for being so bad, it just depressed me, definitely something to avoid like undercooked turkey.

Rating  1/10
R: Elves (1989), Puppet Master (1989)
L: Christmas Horrors Vol.1

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