Category Archives: Movie Reviews

AXE GIANT – The wrath of Paul Bunyan (2013)

AXE GIANT – The wrath of Paul Bunyan

(Horror, 2013) (18) D : Gary Jones W : Jeffrey Miller. 1h 35m. USA. C : Dan Haggerty (yep Grizzly Adams!!) Thomas Downey.

TAGLINE : This tall tale is murder.

Young adults at a first-time offenders boot camp discover the legend of the giant lumberjack Paul Bunyan is real, but is much more horrifying than they could have imagined.

axe giantmore axe

Oh man duped again! The cover looked amazing.. sadly my cover never had the subtitle of “the wrath of Paul Bunyan” on it. The only thing I knew about Paul Bunyan was from BI (1996) shame on me!

The movie starts with innocent hard working good people loggers, getting slaughtered by a  crazy deformed man. I was expecting a Lumberjack version of Hatchet (2006) but things changed.. Cut scene…

axegiant

A group of young offender are sent out into the wild to lean about “themselves” and become better people blah blah.. it’s the typical group, sexy girl, jock, token etc and Sgt. Hoke who is a care bear version of Sgt Hartman from Full Metal Jacket (1987) and even uses the line Drop your cocks and grab your socks.. how lame. Anyway the axe murderer is back but he’s a full on giant now and the interfering kids have touched his horn. Muvafuckers… So it’s all out war. With really bad CGI effects and daydreams about Trollhunter (2010).

BS : when the kids work out that Paul Bunyan wanted his horn back and chuck into the woods at him, and he returns it though the jock.. I knew it was coming but I did giggle a little.

RWrong Turn (2003) Beast of Bray Road (2005) Paul Bunyan (1958)

2/10

02

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Loft (2010)

LOFT

(Crime, Thriller, Drama 2010) (18) D : Antoinette Beumer W: Bart De Pauw/Saskuan Noort P: Hilde De Laere. 1h 48m Nederlands.

TAGLINE : Five friends One deadly secret.

Five best friends, all married, decide to share a loft apartment for their extra marital affairs.

loft 2010

Another remake of a great classic story, actually not totally how classic the story is but it’s been done before and it will be done again. (judging from the imdb.. this year)

Basically a group of successful and obnoxious business boys rent a shared loft apartment for fucking their one night stands etc etc. Obviously such a good thing must come to an end, this one is a slightly messy affair when a dead bint is found in the loft.. so the movie turns into a “who killed the ho” hour. As you’d expect everyone gets a little shifty and the plot finally thickens with various accusations and flash backs to various social events where the husbands like to party together (and picking up ho’s) and with their wives (trying to remain under cover). The relations between the men break down and harsh words are thrown around like a sexy lil frisbee.

While I enjoyed the film and could watch it again I think it’s popularity is due to people wanting to see some rich people suffer.

I love that this version was directed by a woman, I would love to see an alternative version where the women rent the flat for their affairs, the only problem with that it everything would be so well organised nothing could go wrong and therefore the movie would just be a prono.. lol nothing wrong there.

Overall the movie is funny, thrilling and very stylish, after all who wouldn’t want to see a bunch of yuppies crash and burn in the flames of their own greed and stupidity.

loft--3

Q : Hey your numbers come up, don’t forget half of everything you win is mine.

TIL : No matter how awesome you are, your man is going to be ad faithful as his options.

7/10

07

Bunnyman (2011)

BUNNYMAN – (Horror, Gore, 2011) (18) D/W/P: Carl Lindbergh. 1h 30m. USA

Another group of teens lost in the woods…

rubbing the locals up the wrong way and getting slaughtered. I REALLY loved the bunnyman character, he was such a charmer, and is probably going to make it onto my adorable horror characters list. He’s just so flufffy!!

bunnyman

The film is poorly acted and at times can drag a simple scene out for ever…I think with the intention of it being a moment of suspense? But it’s just annoying. How long would you honestly stand in front of a truck shouting at the driver!? If they were kids from my neighbourhood the truck would be on bricks in seconds.

What it does to make up for the annoying boring parts is to chuck in a bit of a scare from the Bunnyman who is similar to Leatherface (Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)) .. A huge deadly oversized kid, running in now and again wrecking the place up and keeping the hipsters on their toes.

Keep an eye out for a comical froggy bouncing leapfrog rape scene!?!?

Really this is only good if you have a lotta beer in your system. Nothing is new here, it steals from a million other films and real life stories like R : The Bunny Game (2010), the Toybox Killer  David Parker Ray and every other hick killing city boy movies.. Pig Hunt (2008), Deliverance (1972) , Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) etc etc etc, there really isn’t anything new here, and sadly what has been presented was done poorly.

joe-bunnyman-2-chainsaw

Lets hope things pick up for part 2!

Q:I know daddies genes left you a little special but if you f*ck this up I will beat you into next week.”

3/10

03

Please don’t touch me (1963)

PLEASE DON’T TOUCH ME
(Drama, Mystery 1963) (12) D/W: Ron Ormand C: Lash La Rue, Ruth Blair, Larry Wallace 1h 7m. USA

TAGLINE : Why did marriage have to be like this? CRUEL UGLY Why couldn’t it bring me the happiness I longed for?

A woman who is unable to have sex with her husband goes to a psychiatrist for help. He sends her to a hypnotist, who finds out she has a deep, dark secret.

pleasedonttouch

I was really pleased to find this movie after all these years, it is a shame that Ron Ormand is pretty unknown apart from those hardcore psychotronic film addicts like myself.

This is a shame as his movies; especially the ones of this era have a unique and consistent eccentric style.

The film opens with some educational footage of hypnotism, there were operation scenes, pins being pushed through skin, nail beds and more! I do like how movies from the 50’s through to the 70’s liked to educate it’s audience before showing them the full feature, rather than just assuming you’ve done your homework before watching the movie, it helps answer any obvious questions but is also a huge tool for the director to herd the audience into a false sense of security.

Then the movie starts, a frustrated young couple,  a husband trying to get his end away and a gorgeous and provocative yet frigid fire crotch wife. You learn that the wife has been raped as a child a scene which is repeated throughout the vivid movie, but there is more.. something deeper and darker that only a psychiatrist and hypnotist can answer.

The dialogue is long and “groovy” the outfits all show off various curvy figures and the posing is unbelievably gay.. but that’s the charm of this swinging 60’s flick.

7/10

07

Evil Dead (2013)

EVIL DEAD

(Horror, Remake 2013) (18) D/W : Fede Alvarex W : Rodo Say Agues S : Jane Levy, Shiloh Fernandez. 1h 31m. USA.

Five friends head into a remote cabin, where the discovery of a book of the dead leads them to unwittingly summon up demons living in the nearby woods. The evil presence possesses them until only one is left to fight for survival.

TAGLINE : The most terrifying film you will ever experience.

evildead2013-033

For fuck sake… I don’t really want to talk about this movie. Everything about this is so very dull and shit. The cast seems to have been downgraded to teens which is a common fuck up with modern remakes. The comedy has gone, the effects are “real” it’s now a possession/infection film and none of the movie flows. It’s all pretty random up until the last 10 minutes.

The first half of the movie seems to be random reboots of other horror movies, can you spot Sadako from Ringu (1998) The little scary Alessa from Silent Hill (2006), blood coughing from 28 Days Later (2002) and Drag me to Hell (2009) etc etc etc I know Afede Alvarez hasn’t made a lotta movies but come up with one original thing before you ruin a classic please! I think I’d rather watch an art house remake of this, something frame for frame! Pointless but it was funny to see it happen for Psycho (1960) / (1998).

I was forever checking the time to see when this film might end, ended up making a sandwich too. At least they didn’t make it a 3 hour epic.

BLOOD, CONTACTS, CRYING, EMO BULLSHIT, SADAKO, STRANGE VOICES, BLOOD, CRYING, BLOOD CRYING.. the end!

Another thing that pissed me off, is that there is no clear hero, where is Ash!?!? We need Ash, this movie needs ASH! We had a tag team of the two lovers, one being demonic the other being the hero. I got all excited when the useless boyfriend went into the shed and started to rig up a device but what he came up with was no boom stick. When the retarded drug wench ripped her arm off, she didn’t attach the chain saw.. Why the fuck not?

Fuck it, I’m done, this movie sucks and blows.

Q: “Everything’s’ gonna be fine? Nothing’s fine, I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but… everything’s been getting worse every second

Sounds like they are talking about the movie! WELL DONE!

BS : The end credits.

1/10

01

Last night’s movies 18-06-13

I really wasn’t taking much in last night, I’m not sure if it was the stormy humid weather or not but nothing was really sinking in.

the-snowtown-murders01

So I tried watching Let Li’s Shaolin Temple (1982) it was okay but nothing like my favourite movie with the same name Shaolin Temple (1979) much better movie, still this one had it’s charms. The shepherdess was actually quite kick ass!

After dinner came Snowtown Murders (2011) A graphic and raw look at the 8 murders that occulted in a small Adelaide town. Reminiscent of lo fi British films like Dead Man’s Shoes (2004) or even some aspects of Gummo (1997) the movie often comes across as a documentary which enhances the brutal and horrific killings.

Dark Skies (2013)

DARK SKIES
(Horror, Thriller, Supernatural, Sci Fi, 2013) (15) D/W:Scott Stewart  1h 37m. USA.

TAGLINE : Once you’ve been chosen, you belong to them.

As the Barret family peaceful suburban life is rocked by an escalating series of disturbing events, they come to learn that a terrifying and deadly force is after them.

dark skies poster

I did kinda go into this one utterly blind,  I should have guessed it was going to be about aliens but I had hoped with all the hype that it would have entertained me for a few minutes at least. Nothing new learnt no scares and little to be interested about. I spent most of the time yelling at the TV like an old person. Who didn’t see all the cliché’s coming!? Pan back to view a huge open window.. of course something is gonna fly into it.. make it dramatic though, think Hitchcock and the Birds (1968) add some real scares in there!! Go on.. PLEASE. I got a bigger thrill from Fire in the Sky (1993), The Fourth Kind (2009) or even Signs (2002) For F*ck Sake!!

I know a lot of people really enjoyed this and it scared them but I would wager this is a new subject to the little teen generation, I dunno… I really don’t. This whole new wave of horror has been so piss poor, Insidious (2010), Dead Silence (2007) etc. were all terrible, like a bunch of After Dark Movies.

I guess growing up with a mother who reads von Däniken and devotedly listening to UFO podcasts etc. I have been exposed to a lot of these tales and this is the lamest.

Truly disappointed…

The final emo scene with the kids going through a pseudo silent hill reality check thing was annoying more than scary.

I think the Alien segment in VHS or VHS2 was more thrilling and shorter and had more plot and scares.. I dunno I guess someone people got together and made a movie, well done but next time make sure your firing on all cylinders first.

3/10

03

Last nights Movies 17-06-13

 

  • THE BEASTS OF MARSEILLES/SEVEN THUNDERS (1957)
  • QUEEN OF BLOOD (1966)
  • PERFECT HOST (2010)

Pretty decent evening, lots of retro goodness and a amusing psychological thriller for the end.

Seven_Thunders_FilmPosterI started the night with a bloopers, I read the title (which was pretty worn.. ) as Beast of Mars.. turns out to be the  black and white treat of The Beasts of Marseilles(1957)! I knew the film as Seven Thunders (1957). A Brilliant visual thriller in the more bohemian areas of Marseilles,  where a group of prisoners or war escape and despite their presence being openly known to the locals, the hide away while awaiting a boat back to England, Obviously there are lots of f*ck up German officers after them and with lots of great movies, there are several other little stories playing alongside including a great tale involving the epic and charismatic James Robertson Justice!! All in all a beautiful movie. 8/10

Then onto Queen of Blood (1966) this was recommended by my movie buddy Captain Fantastico.. and it pretty awesome, I felt a bit sorry for ? as she had no name.. as the green body paint was making her eyes look a little sore but great movie, super concept and broke apart my theory that Lifeforce (1985) was the first vampires from space movie lol. 7/10

Finally.. The Perfect Host (2010) – There is lots going on in this movie, a little too much near the end which was a little disappointing but it doesn’t fail. Lots of tension and snippets of cringe worth disco dancing from David Hyde Pierce. 7/10

perfect host

La Weekend 2013 June 3

Le Weekend

A quite weekend but not the best movie weekend… Still it ended with a band, note that Watchtower followed by the Lodger were he final movies of the night.

  • Mutant Hunt
  • Lost in the Desert
  • Paradise Lost – The child murders at robin hood hills
  • Rise of the planet of the apes
  • 24 Hour party people
  • Devilman
  • 23 – Nichts ise so wie es scheint
  • Into the abyss
  • Chernobyl Diaries
  • Tales from Gimli hospital
  • Apartment 143
  • Shrine
  • Watchtower
  • Murder set pieces
  • The Lodger

MUTANT HUNT  – 1980s lo fi sci fi at it’s best by being the worse! A beautiful Casio keyboard and guitar OST accompanies this imaginative but badly presented robotic sci fi flick.

LOST IN THE DESERT – One of those based on a real life story movies from South Africa. A young boy is stranded in the desert with his dog and wits.

PARADISE LOST – THE CHILD MURDERS AT  ROBIN HOOD HILLS – Another real life story event movie. This one was presented in a way where it took no sides and no prisoners, brutal photo of the murders in addition of real life interviews with all the people involved and court room footage.

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES – I’m a bit late this this one but it was a good story, it had some progression and a good solid beginning to a old school sci fi classic.

24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE – I’ve been meaning to see this film for so long purely due to Sean Harris preforming as Ian Curtis, there was more to the film than that, but nothing as amazing as his performance. Lots of cameo’s and well devised.

DEVILMAN 3 – OMG!! Finally found the third instalment of the Devilman saga!!!! The characters were a little weaker than the first two movies but then.. well I don’t want to spoil it but it didn’t matter how crap they were, still a great epic devil fight scene but poor movie compared to the others.

23 – NICHTS ISE SO WIE ES SCHEINT –  Yet another based on a real life story movie, this one is the original hackers, when kids/people used Commodores, phone lines and Atari’s to hack into systems.. add in drugs, paranoia and the number 23 and you have a tragic but wonderful introduction to cyber life and hacking.

INTO THE ABYSS –  I was on a role, another real life story of an incredibly young man and the crimes surrounding his final days on death row. Again this one does not point any fingers but allows everyone to have their say, it’s quite raw and there are some tears…

CHERNOBYL DIARIES – As recommended by a friend because it’s “quite good” I think he meant “crap”.. cheers buddy! The movie was okay but very predictable and lame at times. Very good bear scene though…

TALES FROM GIMLI HOSPITAL – Hello surrealism my old friend! A black and white theatrical, almost David Lynch style story. Very visual and like no other. It’s often I see two men wrestling with bleedy buttocks..

APARTMENT 143 –  Supernatural horror, part ghostly, part possession, pseudo found footage. Nothing new for the genre but watchable.

SHRINE –  One good scene with a statue which is reminiscent of Dr Who.. the rest of the movie was poorly delivered and boring.

WATCHTOWER – I’m a fan of quite long shot slow drama and this was AMAZING!! I love this movie, it has so much going on under the surface, it’s beautiful if not slightly difficult to watch..

MURDER SET PIECES – A movie from the top 50 disturbing list.. it’s okay.. there is a slight story going on.. but most of it is random boobs, blood and screaming in German.. it’s okay for gore lovers, like Guiney Pig 2 but with less character. Great cameo from Tony Todd

THE LODGER – Alfred Hitchcock classed this as his first movie (twas the third) It is amazing from beginning to end and will never loose it’s impact.
GAH! so many movies.. I forgot..

JOYEUX NOEL – It’s a great movie but the badly lip synched singing really peeved me off.. apart from that a great great movie.. if your into WW1 shizzle

Man Borg (2011)

MANBORG

(Action, Adventure, Comedy, Fantasy, Horror, Sci Fi, 2011) (15) D : Steven Kostanski W : Jeremy Gillespie. 1h. Canada.

A Soldier, brought back to life as a cyborg, fights alongside a band of adventurers against demon hordes in a dystopian future.

TAGLINE : Revenge is Back.

Basic plot is this.. in the not so distant future there is a war between man kind and hell!! Our lead is killed… cut scene, in a the future he awakens and Hell have won the war, there are monsters and hell beasts everywhere terrorising mankind in every way, out hero has been spliced with machine and must fight in an arena with his new found friends to conquer Lord Draculon…

manborg21

When I saw the preview for this film it looked like a low budget version of Hardware (1990) mixed with claymation work… which would work for me.. When I started watching it became apparent I was watching the boyhood dream film made by a bunch of 7 year old kids from the 80’s high on meths… and that works for me.

If you could imagine a few kids with a couple of manga toys, a robot toy melted to a GI Joe doll, a generic kung fu toy and a modified skeletor figure.. playing a game and making things up as they go along and filming it.. that is this movie! I think you can hear them making light saber and kapow noises in the sound effects!?

If you love pulp films, Troma or just inventive comic stuff,  if  you watched Liquid Television, or listened to Gwar you’ll understand how great this film is. Big budgets and expensive effects don’t tell a story. It’s the personality and character of the cast that can carry a great film.

After the initial shock sets in.. You gotta love Manborg! It’s one of those movies that’s so bad it’s good. Not to be taken seriously, settle back, drink some beers, have a smoke and enjoy this with your friends, it’s only an hour long, you can watch it twice!

Q : “You dick!”

 

“Shall we finish cooking this delicious meal?”

“I just wanna die”

“We have so much in common”

R: Mutant Chronicles (2008), Lexx (1997), Power Rangers, Liquid Television (www.liquidtelevision.com)  

TIL : No matter how evil a “thing” is, it can still fall in love.

BS : Any scene with the Kung Fu guy  who’s actually called “#1 Man” who had a strange dubbed voice which makes me giggle like a kid every time.. I need help.

9/10

09